Sub-optimal

[enismirdal]

Overall, the last two weeks have been sub-optimal. There have been good moments - going to Cambridge to meet up with ilanin and climb John's chapel tower, for example. But overall I'm feeling kind of stressed, emotional and lacking in self-esteem. This will pass, but lots of things decided to hit me all at once and it hasn't done my brain any favours, I guess.

In summary, I've reached that annoying bit of my PhD where I am quite convinced I'm going to get kicked off it at my next review meeting, am wondering if I have the intelligence to succeed in science, am annoyed with both my supervisors (would elaborate, but am sick of making locked posts atm).

Probably doesn't help that ford_of_bruinen is offline entertaining parental units, tuxedo_elf is offline moving, and flatmate is in Massachusetts.

This weekend I am going to try not to think about work and take some time for me and me alone. Hopefully this won't make things worse by eating all my work motivation that I'll need on Monday.

Comments

[cobalt-skye.livejournal.com]

*hugs*
Hopefully this won't make things worse by eating all my work motivation that I'll need on Monday
Heck, no it won't- I find that having a good break, even of only a few days, makes me feel a lot more motivated about work. Do things that you love and that you don't get to do too often, like a long hot soaky bath, for example. If it helps you're doing a lot bette rthan me- I wouldn't have survived working as many weekends as you do. You won't get kicked off by your review committee- you have papers in the pipeline whereas I'm no-where near spitting distance of anything like that yet. Now, admittedly my spitting prowess is midly useless....
*hugs*

[enismirdal.livejournal.com]

I worry - I find most of the time when I take a break and REALLY enjoy myself, I want to keep on doing that rather than returning to work (especially when it involves statistics!).

I don't really work that many weekends - I work through bank holiday weekends on principle, and do the odd Saturday/Sunday afternoon when I have the bees in, but I guess it evens out as I'm basically never in the lab later than about 7pm.

I guess I just get this feeling that most of the content of the papers is work done by other people and my own contribution has just been tidying loose ends!

But aside from all my moaning - thanks. Your vote of confidence is really nice to hear. And you're a fantastic student, miles better than I'll ever be, so don't you worry either! :)

[cobalt-skye.livejournal.com]

I want to keep on doing that rather than returning to work
Heck, who doesn't?
No matter if you part has been tidying loose ends or not- that's often the hardest thing to do and it's still a valid contribution. At least you've got your name on papers!

*hugs*

[melalicia62.livejournal.com]

It seems that you are having a tough time at the moment. It is amazing how problems at work can spill over into all aspects of your life. Sometimes talking it through with others does help, but other times you have work through it on your own. Just have faith in yourself, don't doubt yourself - you would not have got this far if you didn't have scientific intelligence (I have found that academics tend to be harsh critics of themselves). This weekend try and be good to yourself, indulge yourself. As for Monday - just remember you are smart, intelligent and that you will succeed, despite other people and the situation.

Sorry, end of pep talk.... if you need someone to talk to.....

~ Mel

[enismirdal.livejournal.com]

Yeah - I knew when I decided to pursue academia that it wasn't the kind of job that ends at 5pm and then you can forget about it. I kind of envy people with a work/life divide, but I guess there are other things that compensate - being able to come in at 10am if I want, being allowed to wear jeans and a T-shirt to work, not having people watching my internet usage too closely (within reason) so I can check BBC news and everything, and being able to dash off if I have a doctor's appointment/house viewing/need to buy something urgently without any questions being asked!

It's not a great fortnight, but I guess I still have it easier than many people so I don't want to grumble too much!

And yes, I definitely intend to indulge. She says, sitting here with a bottle of wine and an episode of Dr Who, plotting comfort food for dinner!

Thanks for the pep talk - brings me a little smile! :) I'd love to chat if you're around - what IM do you use (mine are all in my userinfo - I tend to lurk but am usually around)?

[melalicia62.livejournal.com]

Sorry, I don't use IM - I'm a techoslug. I suppose I'm lucky to have the work/life divide - but, boy Mondays do come around quick! I think there must be something in the water or it's a seasonal thing - my work has been rather hellish for the last several weeks as well. But I've got over the worst of it with gritted teeth.

A bottle of wine and DR Who - sounds it a good start to self indulgence therapy. I find chocolate (good quality stuff), cheese & onion crisps, ice cream and lattes do the job for me.

~Mel

[enismirdal.livejournal.com]

Oh yes - I'm totally turning into a chocolate snob! There was a time I really didn't mind if it was 35p for a great big bar, but now I'm indulging in the posh stuff. Heeeeeeee...

Ice cream! What a marvellous idea! I have some left in the freezer - I should use that up. And then I get a new ice cream tub to use for storing pitta breads in as well, hurrah!

[melalicia62.livejournal.com]

Ice cream and yummy chocolate - that's the way go!

~ Mel

[emperor]

*hugs* I think lots of people feel like this about their PhDs from time to time. I'd recommend taking some time off, and coming fresh to it next week.

[enismirdal.livejournal.com]

*nods and hugs back* I was fairly sure it was a normal process. There was a time one of the other students in my lab was working on a review paper and whenever she met with the supervisor she came out crying...part of life, I suppose. I've had a nice chat with tuxedo_elf on the phone, which was nice, even though I used up all my credit! :D And I've demolished 30% of a bottle of wine, and am about to make me some chips. So am generally in Eni-indulgence mode, and that tends to work wonders for my brain!

*hugs some more*